When contempt creeps into relationships with spouses, friends, political allies, opponents, or brothers and sisters in Christ, it can quickly metastasize and destroy love, honor, and peace. This is a lesson I have had to learn over and over again in my life.
Because I am called to influence people through words, music, and actions, I feel a need to have touchpoints with the troubled culture. I need to be informed about world and national events so I can offer biblical wisdom that helps believers respond in a godly manner. This is my mission.
Because the political discourse has become so toxic, angry, and hateful this year, many of us come close to the dangerous precipice of contempt toward other human beings who sharply disagree with our values and positions.
I am not immune. I have sinned by making contemptuous statements about some of the players on the political field and leaders of cultural movements. I confess that I have also expressed contempt for leaders in the church I feel are leading very poorly.
It’s so easy to become angry critics of the choices of others and fail to notice that our own hearts are being hardened.
The example of David
Some of the stories about David in the book of 2 Samuel illustrate this truth. David, though he failed in some disastrous ways, remained a lover of God who steered clear of contempt for others, even people who could correctly be called enemies. I’d like to explore a few examples.
David and Saul
David, unlike many men around him, had an ironclad ethic of honoring not only his friends, but his rivals and enemies. David was able to love and honor those who hated him. (Does that sound like another biblical character you know?)
After David killed a giant and singlehandedly rescued Israel from the threat of Philistine violence, he became a celebrity in Saul’s kingdom. Saul then developed deranged bouts of jealousy toward David and became obsessively, demonically driven to kill him. David escaped to the wilderness for several years as Saul hunted him. David had loved and closely served Saul and found his sudden violent rejection grievous, unjust, and ungrateful.
David had two perfect opportunities to murder Saul. His comrades considered it justifiable and urged him to do so, but David refused. His conscience wouldn’t allow him to put a hand on God’s anointed.
In intermittent moments of mental and moral clarity, Saul recognized that David was the more righteous of the two. But in the long run, Saul allowed his heart to harden. He became contemptuous of David. This translated to contempt for the God who had chosen David to take his place.
The consequences of this were enormous. Saul went further and further into madness, despair, and disobedience. In contrast, David kept his heart righteous and pure, loving and honoring Saul in spite of his homicidal impulses. When Saul died on the battlefield, David deeply mourned him.
In his steadfast love for Saul, David went a step further. After being established as king, he approached one of Saul’s servants and asked, “Is there no one still alive from the house of Saul to whom I can show God’s kindness?” (9:3). (Who does this?!?)
This was a truly Christlike impulse. Mephibosheth, the disabled grandson of Saul and son of Jonathan, was taken into David’s household and dined at his table for the rest of his days. Pretty amazing.
David and his rivals for the throne
When David was promoted to the throne to rule all of Israel, he became more and more powerful because the Lord God Almighty was with him (2 Sam. 5:10).
Conspiracies and coups arose from the ranks of Saul’s sons and their companions. This made David’s transition to power bloody and treacherous, despite God’s obvious blessing on his life. Contempt in the hearts of his rivals killed the love and honor that they should have been bestowed upon David, God’s anointed king.
There were terrible consequences of their violence and treachery. God was not pleased. Saul’s legacy of leadership was utterly destroyed by his family’s unbridled contempt for David, while David became greatly loved by his people because he was a man after God’s heart.
David and Michal
Michal was Saul’s daughter. She had been promised as a wife to David for the price of one hundred Philistine foreskins, but Saul had reneged and married her off to another man.
When David took power, he demanded that Michal be brought to him as his rightful wife. Neither Michal nor her husband were pleased about it. This may have planted the seed of contempt in Michal’s heart toward David.
David was passionate about retrieving the ark of the covenant from where it had been temporarily situated and installing it in the tent he had pitched for it in Jerusalem.
After a first disastrous attempt, in which one of his men was struck dead, David was able to transfer the ark to Jerusalem with appropriate demonstrations of worship and sacrifice. As they marched toward the tent, with boisterous music and singing, David removed his outer clothing and in his linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might (6:14).
Michal watched from the window. When she saw King David leaping and dancing, she despised him in her heart (6:16). I think this may be one of the saddest sentences in all of Scripture. This wife had allowed contempt for David to take root and destroy her ability to love and honor him as her husband and king.
Michal used one of the most common expressions of contempt–sarcasm. This was Michal’s snarky criticism of David when he returned to the palace to bless his household:
“How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” (6:20).
Not taking the bait, David gives this famous response:
“It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls, you spoke of, I will be held in honor.” (6:22-22).
David knew that he had a right heart before God. He would not allow his joy to be squelched by his wife’s contempt.
The narrator informs us that Michal remained childless. We don’t know whether this was a judgment from God because of her hard heart, or whether David stopped making love to her because she despised him. Either way, her contempt had serious consequences.
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I’d like to offer some thoughts about how these stories apply to our own lives and relationships.
Strained personal relationships. David was initially welcomed and highly valued, ministering in music and fighting bravely in battle. Saul’s jealously led to contempt and fear, because he knew that his spiritual anointing had been transferred to David.
This can happen easily in our relationships if we start to wrestle for power, prestige, and wealth, and begin comparing ourselves with others. This is exactly where the enemy wants us. Because feelings of inadequacy are so painful, we may defend against them with an attitude of contempt toward those we see as “competitors.”
This is a terrible way to live. It kills creativity, collaboration, and peace. Instead, we are taught in Scripture to lift up brothers and sisters and celebrate their accomplishments. When God has anointed individuals to lead among us, we need to show them love and honor and support what God has called them to accomplish for his kingdom.
Politics. In this election year, emotions are greatly inflamed and positions polarized. Comments on the news and social media daily reveal attitudes of contempt. Contempt shows up as hateful labels, personal attacks, slander, lies, and threats. As with David’s transition to power, violent, vengeful impulses can dominate.
We must be careful not to become embittered toward political “enemies.” As Christians, we are to set an example of truth-telling and peacemaking. We must and may call out sin and injustice when we see it. But like David, we can continue to show respect and honor toward those who oppose us, even if the media and people all around us succumb to contempt.
This can be very difficult. I imagine it was hard for David to hold himself back from taking vengeance on those who continued to challenge his authority. But this is what the Lord requires of us.
Marriage. In Michal’s story, we see a woman who lost her way and began to treat her husband with contempt.
John Gottman, a marriage therapist, researcher, and mentor to thousands of marriage counselors around the world, has identified contempt as a key indicator that a marriage is headed for destruction. It is one of what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse–criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
A marital downfall can begin with any of the four, but if it ends up in contempt, the marriage is in extreme danger. Contempt causes hostile actions, sarcastic remarks, passive aggression, abuse, disrespect, name-calling, and shutdown of emotional intimacy and productive communication. Contempt kills love, honor, and peace in a marriage. And it can be nearly impossible to resurrect them.
Worship. Another aspect of the negative interaction between Michal and David can be applied to our attitude toward people who worship differently than we do.
Because humans tend to be religious creatures, when we find a worshiping community where we feel comfortable, we tend to think that ours is the right or best way to worship. If someone worships differently, we may consider them inappropriate, and start to feel contempt for them.
This unfortunate human tendency is portrayed in the movie, Jesus Revolution. Chuck Smith’s church had dwindled down to a small group of congregants, some rather rigid and sour-faced. When the Spirit of God began to move powerfully among the hippies, they started attending Chuck’s church. It upset the establishment big time.
To his credit, Chuck kept his heart open and warm, recognizing what was happening as a move of God. He was able to oversee a momentous change to the worship culture of his church without reacting in contempt. Many were saved and blessed.
In contrast, those who couldn’t accept the “inappropriate” behaviors of the hippies left the church. They chose to break fellowship rather than open their hearts and accept people who were different. Like Michal, they despised the newcomers in their hearts.
These narratives in 2 Samuel are instructive to the body of Christ today. We must keep our hearts open and loving, and not succumb to the contempt that is so prevalent in our culture. Following David’s Christlike example, we can love and honor others to the best of our ability, even our perceived enemies.
This is the gospel. This pleases the Father, and it brings us life and peace.
