When contempt for God and for people creeps into relationships—relationships with God, with spouses, with friends, with political allies or opponents, or with brothers and sisters in Christ—it metastasizes to destroy love, honor, and peace.
Early in the book of 2 Samuel, there are several stories that illustrate this truth. They relate to David’s transition to the throne after Saul’s death, and the momentous events surrounding the establishment of his kingdom in Zion.
These stories teach us that showing love and honor pleases God and brings rewards of peace and blessing. Acting with contempt causes relationships to come under a curse.
David and Saul
Second Samuel is mainly about David, who, unlike many men around him, had an ironclad ethic of honor, even toward those considered his rivals and enemies. David was able to love and honor those who hated him. (Does that sound like another biblical character you know?)
You may be familiar with earlier stories about David’s relationship with Saul. Saul had become jealous and obsessively driven to kill David. David escaped to the wilderness for several years as Saul hunted him. David loved Saul and found Saul’s sudden, violent rejection grievous and unjust.
David had two perfect opportunities to murder Saul. His comrades considered it the right and just thing to do, but David refused. His conscience wouldn’t allow him to put a hand on God’s anointed.
In intermittent moments of mental and moral clarity, Saul recognized that David was the more righteous of the two of them. But under the influence of demonic spirits, Saul allowed his heart to become hardened. He showed contempt for God and for David, God’s choice to be king in place of him.
The consequences of this were enormous. Saul went further and further into madness and despair and had no peace. He ultimately took his life after being wounded on the battlefield.
David kept his heart soft toward God and toward Saul, continuing to love and honor him despite Saul’s homicidal impulses. When Saul died on the battlefield, David deeply mourned him.
In his steadfast love for Saul, David went a step further. After being established as king, he approached one of Saul’s servants and asked, “Is there no one still alive from the house of Saul to whom I can show God’s kindness?” (9:3).
This was a truly Christlike impulse. Mephibosheth, a disabled grandson of Saul and son of Jonathan, was taken into David’s household and dined at his table for the rest of his days. Pretty amazing.
David and his rivals for the throne
David became more and more powerful because the Lord God Almighty was with him (2 Sam. 5:10).
But there were conspiracies and coup attempts arising from the ranks of Saul’s sons and their companions. Contrary to his wishes, David’s transition to power was bloody and treacherous.
Contempt in their hearts killed the love and honor that they should have been bestowed upon David, God’s anointed king.
There were terrible consequences for their violence and treachery. God was not pleased. Saul’s family honor and legacy of leadership were utterly destroyed.
David and Michal
Michal was Saul’s daughter. She had been promised to David for the price of one hundred Philistine foreskins, but Saul had reneged and married her off to another man.
When David took power, he demanded that Michal be brought to him as his rightful wife. Neither Michal nor her husband were pleased about it. This may have planted the seed of contempt in Michal’s heart toward David.
David was passionate about retrieving the ark of the covenant from where it had been temporarily situated. He was determined to install it in the tent he had pitched for it in the city of David.
After a first disastrous attempt, in which one of his men was struck dead, David was able to properly transfer the ark to Jerusalem with appropriate demonstrations of worship and sacrifice. As they marched toward the tent, with music and singing all around, David removed his outer clothing and in his linen ephod, was dancing before the Lord with all his might (6:14).
Michal watched from the window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart (6:16). I think this may be one of the saddest sentences in all of Scripture. This wife had allowed contempt for David to take root and destroy her ability to love and honor him as her husband and king.
One of the key manifestations of contempt is the use of sarcasm. This was Michal’s sarcastic criticism of David when he returned to the palace to bless his household:
“How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” (6:20).
Not taking the bait, David gives this famous response:
“It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls, you spoke of, I will be held in honor.” (6:22-22).
David knew that he had a right heart before God. He would not allow his joy to be squelched by his wife’s contempt.
The narrator informs us that Michal remained childless. We don’t know whether this was a judgment from God because of her hard heart, or whether David stopped making love to her because she despised him.
Applications
I’d like to offer some thoughts about how these stories apply to our own lives and relationships.
Strained personal relationships. David was initially welcomed and highly valued in Saul’s palace. A gifted musician, he ministered to the king when Saul was troubled, and was also proven a valiant soldier in Saul’s army.* But Saul became jealous and fearful when he saw David’s prowess, knowing that his own spiritual anointing to lead had been given to David instead.
This can happen easily in our relationships. We wrestle for power, prestige, and wealth, and begin comparing ourselves with others. Because feelings of inadequacy are so painful, we may defend against them with an attitude of contempt toward those we see as “competitors.”
This is a terrible way to live. It kills creativity, collaboration, and peace. Instead, we are taught in Scripture to lift up our brothers and sisters and to celebrate their accomplishments with them. When God has clearly anointed individuals to lead among us, we need to treat them with love and honor and support what God has called them to accomplish for his kingdom.
Politics. With an election next year, emotions are already greatly aroused on all sides. Comments on the news and on social media often reveal a great deal of contempt for opponents. As with David’s transition to power, violent, hateful impulses can dominate.
We must be careful not to become embittered toward political “enemies.” As Christians, we are to set an example of truth-telling and peacemaking. Like David, we can continue to show love and honor toward those who oppose us, even if all around us are succumbing to attitudes of contempt.
This can be very difficult. I imagine it was hard for David to hold himself back from taking vengeance on those who continued to challenge his authority. But this is what the Lord requires of us.
Marriage. In Michal’s story, we see a woman who lost her way and began to treat her husband with contempt.
John Gottman, a marriage therapist, researcher, and mentor to thousands of marriage counselors around the world, has identified contempt as a key indicator that a marriage is headed for destruction. It is one of what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse–criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
A marital downfall can begin with any of the four, but if it ends up in contempt, the marriage is in extreme danger.
Contempt causes hostile actions, sarcastic remarks, passive aggression, abuse, disrespect, name-calling, and shutdown of emotional intimacy and productive communication. Contempt kills love, honor, and peace in a marriage. And it can be nearly impossible to resurrect them.
Worship. Another aspect of the negative interaction between Michal and David can be applied to our attitude toward people who worship differently than we do.
Because humans tend to be religious creatures, when we find a worshiping community where we feel comfortable, we tend to think that ours is the “appropriate” way to worship. If someone worships differently, we may feel that they are inappropriate, and begin to build contempt.
This is portrayed beautifully in the movie, Jesus Revolution. Chuck Smith’s church had dwindled down to a small group of congregants, some rather rigid and sour-faced.
When the Spirit of God began to move powerfully among the hippies, one of their leaders, Lonnie Frisbee, connected with Chuck Smith, and the hippies started flooding into his church. It really upset the apple cart.
To his credit, Chuck kept his heart open and warm toward God, recognizing what was happening as a move of God. He was able to oversee a momentous change to the worship culture of his church without reacting in contempt. Many were saved and blessed.
In contrast, those who felt contempt for the unkempt, “inappropriate” hippies were the ones who left the church. They chose to break fellowship rather than open their hearts and accept people who were different. Like Michal, they despised the newcomers in their hearts.
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These narratives in 2 Samuel are instructive to the body of Christ today. We must keep our hearts open and loving, and not succumb to the contempt that is so prevalent in our culture. Following David’s Christlike example, we can love and honor others to the best of our ability, even our perceived enemies.
This is the gospel. This pleases the Father, and it brings us life and peace.
